Yielding Space

When my children were little, if you had asked, I would have told you that I was “doing fine”.

But in truth, I was frazzled, overwhelmed, distracted, and incapable of being consistent.  I was an overwhelmed mom spiraling in self-doubt and felt like I was never enough. 

It showed.

I was always irritated, quick to yell, was as unequipped to regulate my emotions as my toddler was. This was not the parent I imagined myself to be and, quite frankly, I was miserable. 

It showed!

Coincidentally or not, that’s when I found Equus Coaching and gave it a try.  I met my coach and her horse one sunny day outside of San Francisco.  I mentioned my overwhelm, the joylessness I was feeling, the constant irritation that flooded my system, the rawness of my nerves …  and then I proceeded to step into the round pen with her horse.

Her horse could read me like a book and instantly stepped very close to me.  Even he knew I needed support!  He took another step. This one even closer to me.  And then he took a third step. With this step, I stepped away- yielding my space over to him.  My coach noticed and asked me this very simple question:  “When the horse stepped into your space, you stepped back and gave it to him. Tell me more about that. ” 

I stood there a bit frozen in the moment. Thinking … for a looooong time.  I thought to myself: “Well, he’s huge. So I should just give him my space because, quite frankly, what’s my space worth to me anyway? And that way I can feel safe and not get stepped on.”

Light bulbs of all kids flashed wildly in my mind,  a swelling of emotion built up in my chest, and my eyes filled with tears.

That was it.  

So many times in my life I had allowed my space, my time, and my needs to be encroached on because that was the easy and safe way for me.  Don’t confront. Just move away. I was a chronic people pleaser, for crying out loud! How could I get my needs met if there was any risk that my needs would put someone else out?!  And wouldn’t asking for space, asking for what I needed potentially make someone mad or sad or worse … maybe they would just leave?!  This was just scratching at the surface of so much more that I explored that day.

In three sessions, with this amazing coach and her horse, I learned how to ask for space and hold that boundary even when the horse was testing it.  I got to experiment with the discomfort I felt when I asked for what I needed and the stories that came up with it.  I got to test the waters in figuring out what felt true and wholehearted for me and what didn’t.  

This was just incredible. A whole new world opened up for me.  I became much clearer on what I needed and how to ask for it. I was becoming a pro at setting boundaries - while also recognizing that it would always take practice.

The biggest gift is that my family noticed that I was so much calmer and happier. I was finally allowing joy back into my life and learning to set boundaries to protect my space and time both for myself and with my family.  I felt peace in my heart and I started to feel my worth. I was finding myself again.

And it showed.